I really want to help my husband find another wife. I know that sounds crazy. But I'm serious. And before everyone jumps all over me, let me explain why. My HB is a great guy. Strong yet sensitive. Attentive and intelligent. Allah really blessed us to have a wonderful marriage, beautiful kids and many, many historical (and most of the time hysterical) experiences together. I don't doubt that he loves me and the kids (we have 6). He loves and fears Allah and provides for us nicely. But he wants another wife. Always has.
So I approached a few sisters. Ones that I thought were strong in their Islam. Sisters that I felt were suited to our family, who would want to remain sisters after the marriage and could see us all as one big happy family.
It hasn't worked out yet.
There was some jealousy there during the sit downs. But he would always do something nice for me like take me to my favorite restaurant (without the kids which was a treat)and by me a gift and we would talk about how it went over coffee and dessert. He says he doesn't want to do it if it isn't right for us both and he doesn't want to remarry only to be divorced again shortly after due to drama. And he says he definitely doesn't want to lose me in the process. The objective is to add on to our tribe, not destroy what we've worked so hard to build. And I agree.
But it hasn't happened yet. Part of me is kinda glad and another part can't wait for it to be done and over with... and I'm not asking anyone anymore, just waiting to see what happens next.
Showing posts with label Polygyny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Polygyny. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Views on Polygyny, pt.2
I didn't mean to rile anyone up with any statements and trust me whatever opinion that I now hold, has come from deep soul-searching within myself.
I am not talking about sisters who are married to "dogish" men. I am talking about when you have a loving, intelligent, responsible, god-fearing husband. All of that benefit doesn't stop with polygyny. A man doesn't stop loving you because he has another wife.
You are correct that it is your right not to stay in a polygynous marriage. And some polygynous marriages can go awfully wrong, no doubt. But for those that enter and stick it out, what makes a woman stay and share her husband with another woman. This is the big question that we are seeing even in the news today.
Women are staying because they value the relationship. It doesn't matter that he has or wants another wife, as long as he is treating us right. Women date married men and stay in relationships for years. At least in Islam, it comes with the honor of marriage and responsibility.
Really Bad analogy: If a woman had an oppurtunity to have a relationship with someone like say Will Smith or some big name like that, he agrees to set you up, take care of you and confesses his undying love to you, would you do it (in the dunya not islam) the only catch being, he doesn't want to leave his wife. Most women would do it. How many times does a man like Will come along. He's rich, handsome, he's powerful in the public arena.... big perks.Well, to me a man who fears Allah, sacrificing himself everyday to please Allah, working hard to maintain me and our children in Islam, this is more noble an aim in my eyes, this is more worthy to be supported. And wanting for my sister what I want for myself. I want another sister to be able to benefit from the same security that I have, the same support.
And lastly, Are we really better than our mothers? The prophet had nine wives. Other sahabah of the prophet (saw) had multiple wives. Are we better than them? Is there not a need for the men of our communitites to take care of the women? The prophet said there will come a time when there will be 40 women to every one man.
It's definetly a choice. I just hope for my sisters not to be too knee-jerk in their reactions, dismantling their families and causing more harm than is necessary to their children. Every situation is not prfect or will be successful, but with the proper intention and efforts to make things work from all parties, it could be in the end a fulfilling relationship.
I am not talking about sisters who are married to "dogish" men. I am talking about when you have a loving, intelligent, responsible, god-fearing husband. All of that benefit doesn't stop with polygyny. A man doesn't stop loving you because he has another wife.
You are correct that it is your right not to stay in a polygynous marriage. And some polygynous marriages can go awfully wrong, no doubt. But for those that enter and stick it out, what makes a woman stay and share her husband with another woman. This is the big question that we are seeing even in the news today.
Women are staying because they value the relationship. It doesn't matter that he has or wants another wife, as long as he is treating us right. Women date married men and stay in relationships for years. At least in Islam, it comes with the honor of marriage and responsibility.
Really Bad analogy: If a woman had an oppurtunity to have a relationship with someone like say Will Smith or some big name like that, he agrees to set you up, take care of you and confesses his undying love to you, would you do it (in the dunya not islam) the only catch being, he doesn't want to leave his wife. Most women would do it. How many times does a man like Will come along. He's rich, handsome, he's powerful in the public arena.... big perks.Well, to me a man who fears Allah, sacrificing himself everyday to please Allah, working hard to maintain me and our children in Islam, this is more noble an aim in my eyes, this is more worthy to be supported. And wanting for my sister what I want for myself. I want another sister to be able to benefit from the same security that I have, the same support.
And lastly, Are we really better than our mothers? The prophet had nine wives. Other sahabah of the prophet (saw) had multiple wives. Are we better than them? Is there not a need for the men of our communitites to take care of the women? The prophet said there will come a time when there will be 40 women to every one man.
It's definetly a choice. I just hope for my sisters not to be too knee-jerk in their reactions, dismantling their families and causing more harm than is necessary to their children. Every situation is not prfect or will be successful, but with the proper intention and efforts to make things work from all parties, it could be in the end a fulfilling relationship.
Views on Polygyny....
This is taken from a comment I made over here...
...This coming from a woman who is in agreement with polygyny. I fell in love with my husband in only a way that Allah can produce. We did not know each other at first but were married in a traditional, islamic way. I would love to be my husbands one and only but because of my love for him I agreed to allow him to marry again. Out of his love for me, he agreed not to do this until we both were prepared for it emotionally and financially. Meaning that there were no problems between us and we both were ready to support one another through it. When you love someone, you support them in what they want to do, even if he thought that not being with me was best for him, I would not want to be the cause of his pain.
Unfortunately, us woman veiw our men in a sense of ownership. You are mine! We do not value the works that our men do in maintenance and kind treatment, we want blood. Denying our men polygyny is more than not sharing the marital bed, it's saying I want you to immortalize in my own mind that I am your everything, there will be no challenge to my beauty, intelligence, skills or rank in this marriage, you only have eyes for me.
It is the man's nature to be polygynous. It is a challenge for him to juggle the responsibilities of more than one household, more than one relationship. Kinda like being a CEO. If you are good at business, why only own one. Or a gardener, he tills his soil and plants the seed and admires his yield, why plant only one variety? Does the love of roses diminish ones love of daisies?
Love is a two-way street and lovers must meet somewhere in the middle.
...This coming from a woman who is in agreement with polygyny. I fell in love with my husband in only a way that Allah can produce. We did not know each other at first but were married in a traditional, islamic way. I would love to be my husbands one and only but because of my love for him I agreed to allow him to marry again. Out of his love for me, he agreed not to do this until we both were prepared for it emotionally and financially. Meaning that there were no problems between us and we both were ready to support one another through it. When you love someone, you support them in what they want to do, even if he thought that not being with me was best for him, I would not want to be the cause of his pain.
Unfortunately, us woman veiw our men in a sense of ownership. You are mine! We do not value the works that our men do in maintenance and kind treatment, we want blood. Denying our men polygyny is more than not sharing the marital bed, it's saying I want you to immortalize in my own mind that I am your everything, there will be no challenge to my beauty, intelligence, skills or rank in this marriage, you only have eyes for me.
It is the man's nature to be polygynous. It is a challenge for him to juggle the responsibilities of more than one household, more than one relationship. Kinda like being a CEO. If you are good at business, why only own one. Or a gardener, he tills his soil and plants the seed and admires his yield, why plant only one variety? Does the love of roses diminish ones love of daisies?
Love is a two-way street and lovers must meet somewhere in the middle.
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